My Minneapolis Summer: A User’s Guide

Welcome to Minneapolis, Minnesota! As you may know, Minneapolis is known for many things, including lakes, bike paths, and its excellent malls. Because people in Minnesota have nothing to do between the months of September and May, the government of Minnesota thought everyone should use retail therapy to make themselves feel better. Therefore, you can buy shoes and clothes without having the added burden of sales tax! How exciting! Since you’re a hippy and don’t like to feed into the industry that is trendy fabrics and jeans that make your ass look great, you can rest assured that even boutiques where the owners spin their own burlap to create clothing don’t have to charge you an additional 6%.

There are a lot of neighborhoods throughout Minneapolis, many of which I have not explored because I am lazy and  many remain untouched because I took a vow to not drive my car anywhere except to work, so if I can’t bike somewhere, I will not be stimulating that area’s economy with my credit card. Still, the downtown area, called “Downtown,” is where the young professionals tend to live and work. It’s a little overpriced area, but pretty unique because it’s actually mostly connected by underground tunnels and tunnels between buildings. This is because in the winter, if you go outside, you will die immediately. Other areas, such as “Uptown,” are trendy and up-and-coming. I know it’s trendy because I went there and there were a lot of thrift shops. Trendy people always like to pretend they go to thrift stores.

Ethnic populations are all about Minneapolis, meaning you can strike gold on the food if you’re an ethnic food fan. Shops like “Holyland” offer lunch buffets with hummus so delicious, you’ll never eat hummus elsewhere again. Or at least that’s what yelp.com says. They’re only available for lunch during the week and I have a job, so I can’t go. But, I have sampled the Indian cuisine throughout the area as well as some other food, such as Chinese, and I assure you it tastes just like authentic Chinese American food available in Michigan.

In general, I would say Minnesota is much like Michigan, but more inconvenient to get to and colder. Oh, and the economy isn’t tanking. And Minneapolis is not as depressing as Detroit. But really, what city in America is? Flint is really the only runner up.

To prepare your midwestern selves for the unavoidable culture shock of visiting a city like Minneapolis, I would take a stroll around your own neighborhood. That should about do it. It’s the same. 

Between September and April, you should only visit Minneapolis if the tickets to the Eskimo Tour you really wanted to see in Alaska are sold out; Minnesota can offer you a similar icy experience. In the summer, only visit if Michigan is just averaging 95 degree days, when you’d really prefer 105 degree days. I’m told by the natives that there are two days a year in Minnesota that are perfect. There are no ways to determine these two days ahead of time, so pack your bags like your wife is pregnant and get prepared to leave at the last minute. 

You should stay in my neighborhood, although I’ve yet to see a single hotel. I have a twin bed I’d be willing to share if you come soon though. I recommend Dinkytown mostly because I haven’t lived anywhere else and it seems nice enough. Kind of like having sex in your Grandparent’s Guest Room. Not your first choice, but you’ve had worse.

Anyways, I live in an area called “Dinkytown” in a region called “Northeast Minneapolis.” In Spanish, that would be “Dinkytown” and “Noreste Minneapolis.” While such lingo may prove helpful, I would say 99.876% of the population speaks English. In addition, 85% of the population is white, so you have added benefit of blending in and not looking like such a tourist. Except for in my building, where 95% of the population is Asian. Don’t bother speaking to them, they have no interest in you. However, they are quite noisy  and many seem to have made the decision to stay on Korean time, which means they’ll often be awake and bumping at ungodly hours.

The building, Chateau Co-op, was built in the 1970s and is quite stately. I call the architecture “Prison Chic,” but I’m not sure if that’s a technical term. The interior looks rather like what I imagine the projects look like. And as I sublease from little Korean girls, everything in the apartment is fun-sized. Please help yourself to the couch (which seats one) or a bowl (which is toddler sized). Don’t drink the water from the tap, it tastes like dirt. You can brush your teeth with the tap water, though. This is a civilized city, after all.

Dinkytown is a college area of Minneapolis, and borders the University of Minnesota. The University of Minnesota is the bastard child of Michigan State and Michigan’s one-night stand back in the 1800s. It has the rolling green campus of MSU, and Dinkytown offers the urban feel that Ann Arbor is infamous for. Luckily, the students of The U seem to have gotten MSU’s personality, and are quite friendly and don’t have anything stuck up their ass.

The bar scene in Dinkytown is pretty legit, but I took a vow of sobriety for the summer, so I haven’t had much time to investigate it through drunk eyes. The Library, Burrito Loco, Blarney’s, and the Kitty Kat Club, are all well-known establishments. Unlike Michigan bars, many bars in Minneapolis own party buses, where they’ll pick kids up from sporting events and drive them to their bar. They then offer brunch the next morning. It’s like a one stop shop: Transportation, drunk, hangover food. Mid-west hospitality at its best, eh?

Food in Dinkytown is outrageously collegiate. Fru-lala offers frozen yogurt even those allergic to dairy can eat (score!) and there are some pretty interesting fusions going on. A place on 4th Street makes pizza…and adds French fries and macaroni and cheese on top, just to add a little extra spark to your heart attack. Al’s Breakfast on 14th Street is a hole in the wall joint which serves the best breakfast in Minneapolis. It seats 14 on stools. Beyond those type of joints, there are the typical Potbelly’s, McDonald’s, Subway, Bruegger’s, Panora, and a variety of shady looking booze stores. For State kids and alum, it’s pretty much Grand River minus Menna’s. 

I’d be happy to cook for you if you need me to. I eat mostly poverty-like food, so prepare yourself for oatmeal, frozen green beans, and if you’re really lucky, some crystal lite. You’re welcome. 

5. The State Fair

The Minneapolis State Fair occurs in late August through Labor Day Weekend. It’s famous for really horrible food, like deep fried Twinkies, breaded in Oreos. Or Snickers wrapped in Bacon. It’s gross. And by gross, I mean delicious. I plan on leaving town before this year’s Fair, if only because I feel like one smell any of those culinary masterpieces has 3,000 calories and will instantly give me a case of cellulite.

4. The Mall of America

The Mall of America is floor after floor of stores, verifying that America is officially pathetic. I mean, we can’t just have one Victoria’s Secret in the Mall of America–we need one on every floor! Our consumers can’t handle taking the escalator up to get to us…we should come to them! That said, Minnesota’s philosophy is that shoes and clothes are necessities, and necessary items should not be taxed. Well Minnesota, we agree on that: my clothing and shoes are not frivilous items, they are necessary items. You hear that, Dad?

3. A Twin’s Game

I personally find baseball boring because I don’t understand why we need nine innings, when one would suffice. Let’s just have a quick ten minute game, and then drink beer at the stadium. After all, the drinking at the stadium is why most of the crowd’s there anyways. That said, this place seems pretty popular, but  tickets are crazy expensive. I’d recommend using your savings from lack of tax on all those clothes to pay it off. 

2. Sculpture Garden

I haven’t been here yet, but I hear it’s overrated, overcrowded, and that you can’t come to Minneapolis without stopping by the garden for a picture with a giant cherry in a spoon. I personally think I can live without a picture of me with a giant spoon, but if you can’t: here’s you chance!

1. Me!

If you can make it to Minnesota, come see me! I have no friends, no social life, limited internet access, and basic cable. Even if we barely know eachother, shoot me a text and I’ll gladly pretend we’re best friends forever just so I can assure myself my social skills are still intact. 

Did that convince you? Have you booked your ticket yet? Can you take me home with you?!