My Minneapolis Summer: By the Wayside

This may shock and awe you, but working in Human Resources was actually not always my lifelong goal. Prior to stumbling upon the delightful world of middle management, I actually had a variety of other aspirations in life. Let’s take a walk down the boulevard of broken dreams:

 

Age: 4

Dream Job: Grandfather

Perks: Already retired, pension plan in the works, wife cooking for you all the time, lots of television, kids already out of the house so no one except your wife bothers you

Drawbacks: I don’t think I could handle a wife. Girls are crazy.

Ultimate conclusion: This was a no go. Besides the fact that it just wasn’t even possible from a physical or human perspective, it also didn’t allow me to dress very cute.

 

Age: 8

Dream Job: Ballerina

Perks: Cute unitards to sport everywhere, permanently tiny waist, extremely buff men lift always on call to lift you above their heads.

Drawbacks: You aren’t really allowed to eat, so that permanetly tiny waist might actually be the result from what we in the biz call “bulemia.” Also, those buff men are typically gay, which is totally cool in my book, however, it means the chance of getting one of those super buff men to marry me is slim.

Ultimate conclusion: This didn’t work out either. If you’ve ever seen me walk, you know why. I’m so uncoordinated, I’ve been asked if I’m drunk before when I’ve been completely sober. No good.

 

Age: 10

Dream Job: Chef

Perks: Food! Food everywhere. Plus, Ramsy makes it look easy, he just swears a lot and he’s a millionaire.

Drawbacks: Kitchens are hot and they make your skin greasy, which makes you break out. Plus, I’m allergic to shellfish and dairy, and fried food, milk chocolate, or anything cream based tends to give me acid reflux. Oh, and I don’t drink anything but flavored water, green tea, and regular water. And I prefer to not eat red meat. And sometimes I’m a vegetarian, if I’m in the mood. So basically, if I were a chef, you’d be eating lettuce, whole wheat bread, and maybe some turkey if I wasn’t in a tofu mood. With a glass of lemon water. Do you think I’d be a hit?

Ultimate conclusion: If by choice, what I eat is that boring, I don’t think I should be allowed to influence any other person’s eating habits. My biggest success would probably be opening a restaurant specifically for people on the BRAT diet.

 

Age: 14

Dream Job: Model

Perks: The clothes are awesome, celebrities are everywhere. Someone to do my make up and hair everyday. Travel opportunities galore and I hear flavored water is very popoular on photoshoots. Plus, I would finally have people to commiserate on what being awkwardly thin was like in middle school (hint: awful).

Drawbacks: I don’t particularly like to starve and I don’t enjoy being told I’m fat, ugly, or not usable for some campaign. Also, drugs and binge drinking every night would do nothing for me except make me age prematurely.

Ultimate conclusion: No good. I like the idea of being told I’m pretty, but not at the expense of giving up Chocolate chip Cookies. Oh, and there’s the issue where I’m not at all photogenic.

 

Age: 16

Dream Job: Orphan Rescuer

Perks: I would get to rescue orphans, need I say more? If I’m extra good, I might even get to keep an orphan (does it get any cooler than that?) Plus, it’s like a surefire ticket to Heaven.

Drawbacks: I have the emotional stability of a toddler who got her favorite toy taken away. I cried during the season finale of Grey’s anatomy and I threw up when I saw a guy die on the street once. I would also likely come home with as many orphans as I could hide in my carry on. I don’t think I’m strong enough to go around rescuing babies.

Ultimate conclusion: I’ll adopt an orphan. And make sure the social worker knows to only give me one and never to let me inside an actual orphange, or else I’ll be giving away orphans as Christmas presents to all my closest friends (who would be excellent parents and provide a loving and financially stable home).

 

Age: 18

Dream Job: Book Editor

Perks: I would get to read all day long. I like books more than people because they don’t talk back.

Drawbacks: If I read all day long, what will I do when I get home? Have to interact with people? My social skills would be shot! I’m not very bright–my winning personality is all I’ve got!

Ultimate conclusion: I’ll just keep updating my library card. And move to a city with a library that’s not emberassingly small.

 

Age: 20

Dream Job: Trophy Wife/Stay at Home Mom

Perks: Hire a nanny to do all the hard stuff, like laundry, dishes, discipling the little rascals, taking them to soccer practice, etc, and then just go to Yoga, Spinning Class, and meet up with my friends (also aspiring trophy wives) to pick up soy mocha lattes with a dash of cinnimon and extra hot, please.

Drawbacks: The old husband part. My parents read this, so let’s not get into the nitty gritty of sex, but old, wrinkly, saggy skin…

Ultimate conclusion: I’d rather work and find a cuter guy to breed with. I’ll even compromise and drive the little Floodsters to soccer practice if the Husband does the laundry (or at least folds it. I hate folding!)

 

Age: 21

Dream Job: Lawyer

Perks: I don’t have to hit the real world for at least four more years and when I do hit the real world, I’ll have a bunch of letters at the end of my professional title, which will make me feel super important. And Doctor Brother and I are in this giant race to drain my parents of all resources, so if I get a JD, I’ll really be able to pick up my game in that competition.

Drawbacks: I hate overly opinioned people, which is the type that makes up the majority population of Law School students. Oh crap.

Ultimate conclusion: Let’s go with this. We can always change our mind later.

 

I mean, David changed his mind. Ann changed her mind. Cliff changed his mind. I really am right on track to success.