My Guide to Being a Flood

To be a member of the Flood Family, especially an offspring of the infamous Cliff and Ann, takes a special type of person. While the three Flood children try to blend in seamlessly with society, we are, at the end of the day, just a little, well, weird. For your leisure, I’ve compiled a list of 10 attributes that one must fulfill to be a legitimate Flood Family member. Feel free to adapt any of them and join our community or just read them, store for later, and maybe dress up as a Flood for Halloween. 

1. Never Take the Easy Path

Under no condition should you take the path of least resistance. Even if it is simply more easy and will get you to the same place as the difficult, windy path, take the hard path, just for kicks. For example, every single person in my family has changed their mind about their career after they were already in a different one. My mom was a nurse before she went to law school. My dad was a teacher before he went to law school. My older brother was working for JP Morgan before he decided, “ho hum, ho hum, medical school sounds like a party” and I was in the School of Education before I thought to myself, “My, this maize and blue is really clashing with my green eyes, I think I’ll go into Business.” Jacob, the youngest of our clan of freaks, has yet to hit this barrier. But he will. He can’t fight his DNA.

2. Feel Guilty Over Every Dollar You Spend

Whether you’re spending money on necessities (e.g. “you mean this prescription medicene is $40?! That’s outrageous. I’ll pass. People in the old days beat Mono without medication all the time!”) or just frivolous expenses (e.g. “Cover at Rick’s is free until 10. So even though the bar will be empty until midnight, off we go!”) money is always a sore subject with the Flood family. Although, let me be clear. This is more a forty/sixty split. Two members of our family are a little more, ahem, relaxed, with their credit cards, than the other three. But for the three of us, money is a consistent downer. I don’t like to use the term “frugal.” I prefer “efficient with money.” I always made fun of my Dad about how “efficient with his money” that he is. Until one day I realized I was just like him. That was a sad day.

3. Part Your Hair On the Right Side

From the parents to the kids, we all part on the right side. My hair is halfway down my back, and that right sided part remains. My dad’s lawyer cut? Right side part. David’s “I’m liberal and really cool and in touch with the world” look? Right side part. Jake’s “I’m in college, I don’t have time for things like a Right Side part” look? His hair literally falls on the right. It’s like our hair follicles had a team meeting before we were all born and were like, “Listen up guys, we’re going to fall to the right. Under no circumstances do you fall to the left. Even if Maggie spends an hour with her blow dryer and straightener screaming, “FALL TO THE LEFT YOU BASTARDS,” do NOT fall to the left. Okay? BREAK!”

4. Always Have a Five O’Clock Shadow

Female members of the tribe are obviously excused from this one, but gentlemen members, you must have a shadow on that face at all times. Do not shave it to the skin, unless you have an interview. That’s the only exception. Weddings, funerals, dates, family gatherings…you rock the beard. And if you do have to shave, afterwards, be sure not to shave for days in order to stick it to the man.

5. Live in Your Sweatpants During Holidays

Over long breaks when our family turns into hermits and locks ourselves into our cottage up north, you really only need to pack one outfit: a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants. You’ll be wearing this for a week, so make sure it’s the comfortable kind, and not the kind you buy when you want to look cute when lounging. We’re family: we don’t have to look good around each other. At some point, you’ll feel gross in your outfit, but you’ll stay in it. Not only because it’s the only thing you brought, but because at a certain point, it becomes a competition: who can go the longest without washing their scrubs? So far, David’s been our hands down winner.

6. Have a Deep Passion for Cheap Mexican Food

Whether it be salsa or burritos, chicken quesadillas or tortilla chips, the Floods love their Mexican. While we snack on the tortillas and homemade salsa, we also find Mexican food to be the perfect food to: coat your stomach after you drink, eat while you’re drinking, and cure your hangover the next morning when your head is pounding and the sun is just a little too bright. While our family has a particular passion for Big 10 Burrito, anything resembling a tortilla and stuffed with chicken, beans, and whatever else you desire, will pretty much do the trick. Oh, and it HAS to be cheap. If anything runs over $2.00, don’t even think about buying it. Our motto is: cheap mexican or no mexican, thankyouverymuch.

7. Be Allergic to Dairy

The tragic truth is, we’re all allergic to a certain extent to dairy products. So to be a Flood, you’ll have to give up some of the things you love most in life, like ice cream or milk or cheese. And also, there will be no rhyme or reason to the foods that make your stomach feel like Mike Tyson just socked you or the ones that go down without a fight. For example, eating brownies (made with milk chocolate), make me want to remove my stomach from my body. Drinking a latte (which is chuck full of milk), makes me happy. Eating macaroni and cheese will ruin my night, but on occasion, I can get away with strawberry yogurt. It’s illogical. It’s just the way it works. 

8. Watch an Insane Amount of Movies

The Flood family prides itself on the amount of movies we’ve seen. It’s outrageous. We’ve been members of Netflix and Blockbuster, we frequent websites where you download illegal movies, we’ll drive far distances to watch movies when they’re on limited release. You are also required to watch a lot TV series seasons on DVD. Get really into and watch six seasons of a show at once, preferably in your sweats (which of course, you haven’t washed and you also likely have a five o’clock shadow working). Order Mexican if you’re feeling really relaxed.

9. Eat Weird Food

While once upon a time, most of our family were pick eaters, we know eat just about anything. So be sure to go to restaurants and order something that sounds a little weird, but maybe has some potential. Eat ethnic food that no one else really likes, like Indian or Ethiopian. Be sure to drag other people with you and insist that they’ll like it, even if you’re pretty sure they won’t. Or, when you’re at the grocery store, buy weird food to tide you over for the week, like a bottle of salsa to eat just with a fork or a family size pack of gushers, even though you’re in your twenties and why are you buying gushers in your twenties? 

10. Deny That Most of These are True

A true Flood would deny these are true, because we’re unable to admit that other people are correct. My mom will probably say, “Mexican Food! I don’t like mexican food!” as she makes her own salsa or creates her own pita chips from scratch. Cliff will insist he’s not frugal, he just “knows the value of a dollar, ok? Sheesh.” Jake does not always have a five o’clock shadow, he just doesn’t have “time to shave. I’m busy, ok? Sheesh.” And of course, David eats weirdly, but he never forces anyone else to, he just knows you’ll “LOVE it, ok? Sheesh.” 

And me? I admit they’re true. But while my mother is a Flood by marriage, someday I’ll be able to escape this family and get a different last name. Then, maybe my hair will start to part on the left.

My Ten Children

I was a very ambitious six year old. While many of my lazy peers were playing with legos or their my size barbies or just generally sitting around and picking their noses, I was deep in the trenches of planning my life. I’ve always been a planner and even when I was six, I had a gameplan. It went something like this:

Age 10: Become a world traveling ballerina (I had no idea I’d grow much too tall to control my limbs)

Age 13: Marry Michael Ready (Because teenagers could do whatever they want, although Michael Ready is now gay.)

Age 14-24: Have ten children

Oh yes. Ten. In my tender and innocent youth, I had no idea of the trials and tribulations of childbirth (or after birth. That was a real pleasant surprise when I found that one out. Or the fact that stuff TEARS, people. And there’s skin and poop and your feet swell and then you have to lose all the weight and get back to normal all the while this parasitical child that you wanted so much is demanding things like food and water!) But, when you’re a kid, you overlook the practical and go straight for the fun stuff. Like naming the kids and then planning out your incredible cool house with cute little bedrooms for each kid.

I’m pretty sure my ten kids had the kind of cool names only  a little kid can give. Like “Crystal” and “Destiny.” Sounds like I was going to raise some future strippers, huh? The boys had equally cool names, like “JC” and “Tommy,” which pretty much means they were some hair gel and a dance class away from being members of a boy band. 

This stage of having ten kids didn’t actually end early. I think I carried on this whim until I was in middle school. But at some point, I lost a little of my motivation for pushing out ten screaming alien lookalikes and the numbers slowly dropped. It went from 10 to 8 to 5 to what I’d like now, 3 or 4 little monsters. Maybe an adoption to even things out or if my body begins to look like I’m in dire need of a Mommy Makeover Kate Gosselin style. 

Some people never know if they want to have kids. Having kids is the only thing I’ve ever known I want to do. I don’t really have any idea of what I want as a career (those who said I’d figure that out in college, you handed me a torch of hope that has not worked out), but I do know I want to be a Mom. For goodness sake, I still had babydolls until I was in high school (relax, I didn’t still play with them. I just felt guilty putting them in storage). 

My mom used to worry a little about how much I wanted to have kids. In fact, when I was 12 or 13, every time I’d utter “I can’t even wait to have kids someday,” my mom, without missing a beat, would respond, “When you’re old enough and financially stable.” It’s kind of become a running joke. If you look back in my blogposts, every time I bring up kids, that tagline is sure to follow. She nailed it into my head. Of course, this turned out to be unnecessary because I really enjoy being thin and I don’t want to ruin my body with a little Maggie Jr. until I’m old enough and financially secure enough to afford smart lipo. 

Because I plan on being a super great mom (much like my own, I might add), I started working on my mothering skills a couple years ago. What’s that mean? Well, I learned to do stuff like scrapbook and bake really good chocolate chip cookies and birthday cakes or how to exist on five hours of sleep. I also perfected how to take an obnoxious amount of photos because, as I tell people when they roll their eyes and pose for me, “someday you’ll want these memories.” 

Still, at newly 21 (in case anyone has forgotten that I am now legally able to drink–I apologize to all 20 year olds still waiting because I am seriously the biggest waste of a legitimate ID), I’ve got some time before I start breeding. Which is great because I am not financially and independant stable and I am certainly not old enough (I still watch the Disney Channel. I don’t want to enjoy the same television shows as 2 year old kid). And by some time, I mean a lot of time, which is great because if I ever go back to my plan of having ten kids, I’m going to need all the rest I can get.

My 21 Things To Do Before I Turn 21–Fail.

On October 25, 2005, I was a junior at DeWitt High School. As Carly and I call it, we were finishing up the “Awkward Years” and moving into a new era, “Still Awkward, but Concerned We’ll Never Grow Out of It.” I was also still in the time of my life when I thought for sure I would grow up and write for a magazine or a newspaper or maybe a really prestigious website, like collegehumor.com  (this was before I found out that in English classes, very opinionated people talk for very long amounts of time. This was when I also learned I don’t have patience). This was a little before Facebook swept the high school nations–in fact, I was the third or fourth kid at my school on facebook and I had four “friends” for at least the first few months. So, before the world of facebook and myspace –I would like to proudly state I never had one of those, thank you very much–there was a little thing called Xanga. It was kind of like an online journal, and while many people wrote about their days and their crushes and their sports teams, I used mine to sarcastically comment on my high school, my life, and my family. Some of these entries were received well, some got me a firm talking to by my father. 

Nonetheless, Xanga eventually disappeared and I made my entries private because well, some are a little embarrassing. My mother already has pictures of me with “The Haircut” in third grade. I really don’t need any other ammunition to ensure that a) no one will ever marry me or b) that if someone does, these artifacts are sure to come out and scare the poor bastard away. 

A few days ago, I remembered that I wrote an entry called, “21 Things to Do Before I’m 21.” I searched through my old stomping grounds of a weblog to track it down. I think out of all 21, I’ve managed about 5. But let’s review:

The list, as you can tell, is a little random. I’m not sure how I made the jump from volunteer in asia to get a tattoo, but I assure you no needles from questionable parties have come near me. Don’t worry, like a homework assignment I didn’t do, I have an excuse for every one of these: